New Year's Resolution

By: Audrey Yeung

1. Quit smoking

My therapist told me to write a list of New Year’s Resolutions this year. You’d think, that after four years of weekly therapy sessions, my therapist would understand me, but she obviously doesn’t know me well enough to know that asking me to come up with resolutions is a futile task. I’d put it off for the past three weeks - it’s almost the end of January - but my therapist is very convincing (she called me twelve times yesterday, all of which ended up in my voicemail). 

She also made me send her photo evidence of the packs of cigarettes in the trash that were a part of my “quit smoking” resolution. I think my therapist is a little bored. Or lonely. She also told me to go “breathe some fresh air”, so I’m at the park. The air isn’t very fresh, though. It smells like nicotine. I follow the scent to a group of men circled around a trash can, cigarette butts scattered in the grass. It was barely February, surely I shouldn’t be breaking resolutions already. I pick up a vape that was lying next to the cigarette butts and walk away. I should get some groceries. Vaping isn’t smoking, right? 

Someone is yelling behind me from the group of men. Something about a vape? Something about stealing a vape? Then I hear footsteps running in my direction. 

2. G̶o̶ t̶o̶ t̶h̶e̶ g̶y̶m̶ Run more

I drop the vape and start running.

“I don’t have it anymore!” I yell. I’m not sure they heard me because they kept running, and so did I. I ran past the gym. Well, close enough. At least I don’t have to worry about the dreaded gym membership. Although, maybe the membership would have been helpful because maybe then, I wouldn’t have slowed down and they wouldn’t have caught up to me.

3. Be more positive

I survived! With only a bloody knee and scraped knuckles, which I think is pretty good. Could’ve been worse, you know? I could have died, for one. I might also have a black eye, but we’ll know for sure when I look in the mirror, won’t we? 

4. Travel t̶h̶e̶ w̶o̶r̶l̶d̶ the town

I look around, realising I have no clue where I am. There isn’t a store or street I can recognise. How far had I run? I didn’t know I could run this far. In any case,  this looks like a nicer neighbourhood. Maybe I should move here. All white picket fences, artificially green grass, and carefully arranged acorns to make them look “random”. The stores look better too. There’s a French restaurant in our town? A “For Sale” sign is stuck in front of a house. I make a mental note to get back to that. The only downside: it doesn’t seem very much like a smoking-friendly neighbourhood.

5. Reduce screen t̶i̶m̶e̶

I could probably check Google Maps to find my way back home. I reach into my pocket, only to realise that my phone isn’t there. Nor is it in my other pocket. Which means it probably fell out while I was running away. Great. Well, there’s a river. I’m sure I'd eventually get back home if I just followed it. Maybe even walk past the grocery store. I need to get some milk.

6. Eat healthier

The sun has set and I’m still walking along the river. I’m starting to exit “city” territory and approach “forest” territory. It doesn’t look like I’ll be getting home anytime soon. Maybe home was in the opposite direction. I set up camp under some trees, and scavenge around for food. I eat some mushrooms that don’t look poisonous but taste pretty awful and drink some water from the river. I know, I know, it’s not the cleanest but what else was I supposed to do? A fish drifts up to the surface. A dead fish, now that I’m looking at it. Is that safe to eat? Probably not raw, at least. Is it salmon? I don’t like salmon. But then again, who am I to complain? I don’t know how long it will take to get home. Might as well eat something.

7. Learn a new skill

I grab two sticks to try and start a fire, rubbing them together as fast as I can. A couple of times, I got a spark, but the fire never came. I try creating friction with a rock and a stick, getting the same results. I toss the fish aside and curl up under the trees to sleep. I suppose going a night without food is a skill, in some way? 

8. Spend more time with family

I wake up with the sun and continue my walk home. After some hours, I see houses. Civilisation at last! I really should stop by the grocery store. I jogged toward the rows of houses and finally stopped in front of a sign. CEMETERY. I recognise the shops ahead. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to make a quick detour and visit my parents. I weave through tombstones, careful not to step on any flowers. I find my mother’s name, and my father’s next to hers. I don’t have flowers, so I place the leftover mushrooms between my parents. I sit in front of them, staring at their names. I don’t remember the last time I did this.

9. Be happier

I stand up and continue my way home. I pass by the grocery store, stopping to go in. I grab a carton of milk, some eggs (free-range), lettuce (eating healthy!), and a few packets of potato chips (barbecue and sour cream and onion). I line up at the self-checkout counter, whistling as I scan my items, and humming as I walk home. I turn the key with a satisfying click! and set down my groceries. I fish out my cigarettes from the trash and light one.

Rationale:

With the start of the new year, I thought it would be fun to write a story in the form of a list of new year's resolutions, but with a hopefully humorous twist to some of the more common resolutions that you'd see usually.