green

By: amirah datwani

my favourite song is the one i heard

when our romance slowly unfurled

it was just like a movie

my hands in your hair, how unruly

even when the rain came

with pain

i held on

to our bond

then you left me crying in the dark

hoping i would once again feel that spark

but nothing ever worked

yet your shadow always lurked

and i still have the memories

how we were so free

so it might still be

my favourite song

fantasy

filled with trees

nature

has broken me

sent me a man

who could never

love me back

came along

in his pickup truck

the girl in the back

revealed herself, in the heart i was struck

she didn't know either

he had another lover

i burned all the pictures

of us

in his stupid pickup truck

she swelled with pride

she won him and his green eyes

i watched them

making their plans

stars in their eyes

i wish he was mine

shooting stars

litter my laughs

tally marks on my walls

counting every wish

i'm not happy for them

i'm so selfish

is it that hard to believe that i'm not confused? that i'm not lonely?

this

is

not

a

phase

there are reasons green gray black stripes are held in my hands. i'm just a normal girl with an identity. i used to wish for you to be mine, but then you claimed i wasn't doing enough. just because i'm who i am.

in that case, i don't want you! i'm still trying to figure it out, so sorry if that makes you want to run. let me feel what i feel. everyone is different, but just remember that you are not welcome anywhere near me.

you could make a dirty old trench coat

look so good

fairytales were the horses we rode

just 'cause we could

but now

our perfect days are over

you used to be my lover

but the rain came in and so did pain

battle scars/broken hearts

darkness broke us apart

shattered everything we lived for

the rain came and ended us

perfection? no, just lust

that withered away, day by day

and nothing's left

now

i've been standing

staring

at this metal wall

for days now

left behind

everyone will move on without me

your new life is sparkling

where are the lonely people i need to be around

lift each other up

bring back the sun

it seems like no one is sad

no one is mad

or bad

this golden universe

doesn't like me, does it?

i'm coming undone and there's no one around

except my voice, vibrating, i hate the sound

i want to punch through the mirror

no one can see clearer

or can they?

because the family i chose

they would shower me with every rose

just to make me happy

just to hear me laughing

if i starve myself

ruin my life

they'll never abide

i'll stay alive

stay alive

because they love me

they make me happy

they'll help repair me

they've done it before

held me closer to their hearts

it's 'cause of them i haven't jumped into a car

or driven my lime green one into a wall

i know

i'm safe

now

the world is dangerous, so i've had to become so too. my friends say i am just like a jungle, with its ominous peril and lies. but i am more. i am the jungle. my skin is the colour of bark on a thin yet so young tree. the hair on my arms twists and disgusts others for the naturalness of it all. when i'm cold and angry, i will break and wither. my huntsman, i'm waiting for you to cut me down with all your power. i know you want to, for i am nothing but an inconvenience. my tears are the flood to ruin your forest fire. burn, burn, burn. sometimes i wish i could go away, but legacies and seeds would keep me alive anyway. your corporate, lean smile claims generosity, but i know better. you're the one unleashing smoke into my cavities and slowly killing me. and i'll let you, because what else can i do?

some sort of greenish leaf

will please my lover when i twist his life

shred it into pieces, both of us not breathing

leave me leave me leave me

reincarnate me like a satyr

my flowers will need your nourishment more

don't touch me, don't grab me

overwhelm me

rip me out, from the root

stem dilutes

cut cut cut

mutilated to the petal

grounded in the soil

bury me bury me bury me

under the stones

i'll be better

after i'm gone

scratch the surface of the screen

it's barely breaking, cracking

giving me any sort of feeling

i just want the voices to stop

telling me about things happening i don't want

cutting down green trees

stabbing women with their spears

just like they used to

i thought we were moving forward

marry me

woodland wedding

leafy greens

set it out

make me smile

invite both families

set yourself free

just please please please

marry me

this is my dream/hope/request/demand/life

golden hearts tied to your life

hunt me down, beauty bright

i don't wanna fly again

now that you've locked me down

shattered the one thing you ever gave me, a crown

a reputation

emerald lights when we used to dance

made a reindeer start to prance

clay-made children of ours

who will help me survive these hours?

no, i don't wanna fly again

don't want another beneficial friend

you broke my heart

i'm not ready to start again

soft tints of light fire

paper glints, burning, tired

born, reborn

like some war-torn country being

rebuilt

like cut-down trees reversing their splice

like glaciers forming from melted ice

i might be a miracle

it spreads and spreads until it covers me up and i can't breathe. it gets infected until i scar. completely. my blood and flesh become just me. what happened to my brain? my heart?

you happened.